It is far from uncommon for me to feel a sudden wave of loneliness and melancholy. It varies in its intensity of course. Sometimes it's when someone has said something in the groupchat and I'm gonna chime in but I think "I don't need to, It's not that funny and if I'm not saying anything funny then I don't need to speak". Sometimes the sudden emotion is more anxious, an unquenchable need to leave where all that's repeating in my head is "I need to get out of here, I need to go, I can't be here, I need to go somewhere else" and it won't end until I follow through. Sometimes pain can help, I could dig my fingernails into my arms, pull on my hair, or even in the past I've bitten my hand. It can help for me to like just touch my hair self-soothingly but it feels like a weak alternative to a more potent solution.
Sometimes it's just hard not to feel so unnecessary, nothing would be different if I was gone. That I don't contribute anything truly special or unique, I could disappear and people would care for a few days and then move on. I have firmly decided that I am correct in thinking that. But like, It would be pretty painful to wander out into the woods to starve to death. Or freeze outside like Jackie. Perhaps though, I go on a night walk in the hopes that I fall victim to one of the ~200 murder cases in New Zealand per year.
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